Grateful

I am so grateful to all my friends and family, who called to share a moment with me, so that I could hear their love and concern. I am so grateful to those who sent a card and brighten my day with their kind written heart felt words. I am so grateful to those who sent flowers that brighten the room on an otherwise darkened day. I was touched that so many would take the time to express their feelings or let me know that they were thinking of my family. With every call, card or gift I was able to take that moment to pause and smile, to replace the saddness I felt with joy and gratitude. Thank you to my friends and family who loved my mother and who love me.

mediocracy

A good man does great things some of the time
A great man does good things all of the time!!!

Tonight as we all sat around talking about my mom and our own individual memories, someone said...She never pierced her ears. They continued to talk about other things, but I sat there thinking that My mom never pierced her ears. There are many things that my mom never did. She never drank alcohol, she never smoked a cigarette, she never kissed another man other than my father. My mom never turned away someone in need.
My mom did love her family. My mom did laugh like an innocent child and my mom did share generously. My mom did drive fast and my mom did love to cook. My mom did graduate from college. My mom did love the ocean. My mom did like to dance. My mom did like to sing. My mom lived and my mom did love and my mom was loved.
I love you Mom------

I hate to clean

I do understand that we are supposed to just blog and not edit, but I do. I edit my blog, like I edit my every word. I have written and re-written at least 4 different blogs, subjects ranging from my mom, my daughter, my son to just trying to figure out what day it is. I can't help myself really I have all these thoughts that lead me on these long twisty tangents, but than I realize I may have said something that I "shouldn't have" You know something that may require me to explain or examine. I am not ready to explain. And examine...Please I would rather not have to examine my life just yet either. I find that I am much better at cleaning up messes than I am at preventing them. Which is really ironic because I hate to clean!!!!



Okay....so guess how many times I edited even this small entry...

My mother is dying

My mother is sick. She has been sick for a very long time. She was diagoned with Diabetis over 28 years ago. She is only 64. She is a stubborn and proud woman. When she was first diagnosed with this disease she refused to give in to, to change her diet, to excerise, to take medication and SHOTS... they were definetly out of the question. The doctors told her then, that her life expectancy would be cut drastically if she continued in that manner. She not only continued in that manner, she took on more in her personal life, that brought on high blood pressure and continued weight gain.
My Mom has had numerous complications and surgeries due to her disease. I remember the first time we had a doctor tell us that mom had only 6 months to live. Seven months later Mom was told that she was the healthiest she had been in years. Two years later, Mom was told again that her disease was eating away at her body and that she had 2 months to live. We rallied together as a family by our Mom and told her how much we loved her. We cared for her and nurtured her back to health. She was told again 3 years later after a grugling surgery that she would not make it to Christmas. Our Mom, is a fighter and one who doesn't like to be told what to do, or how to do it. She fights with doctors who tell her, her way of life is killing her, and threatens nurses who draw blood or give her medication and shots. She has never liked needles or pills, but has conceded to them, after we have reminded her of their importance and her importance to us.
But today my mother is dying. Today she lies in a hospice. When given the option to endure more needles and weekly visits for dyalsis the decision was made for her, to end these intursive measures of survival. I am burdened with the thought that these decisions were made for her without some one reminding her of the importance of these medical treatments or her importance to her family. I am bothered that these decisions were made by some one who has known my mother for such a short time. Some one who would not even welcome my mother into her home, but schedule times when it was more convienent for her and her family. I am troubled that this person took the power and said No- no more treatments, no more inconviences, no more trouble. I am saddened that my mom's life of fighting for her health and her dignity is now up to the hospice care givers and "she who shall not be named" who are allowing her to starve to death and die a drugged induced death. So, today my mother is dying!